Thursday, March 1, 2012

Answering machine message HUMORS 11



Answering machine message 251
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

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Answering machine message 252
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

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Answering machine message 253
You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

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Answering machine message 254
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

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Answering machine message 255
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.


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Answering machine message 256
(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.


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Answering machine message 257
I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...

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Answering machine message 258
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.


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Answering machine message 259
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

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Answering machine message 260
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Answering machine message HUMORS 10

Answering machine message 226
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.


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Answering machine message 227
(Aussie accent:) Hi, how 'ya goin', listen, I'm not here, but I tell ya what, this anserin' machine is so clever, I kid you not, if you don't leave a message -- it'll ring 'ya back and ask for one! Bye.

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Answering machine message 228
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

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Answering machine message 229
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.



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Answering machine message 230
Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.


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Answering machine message 231
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

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Answering machine message 232
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.


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Answering machine message 233
(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!


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Answering machine message 234
Thank you for calling, no doubt,
As you can guess, we're out.
When we get home,
We'll call on the phone.
Until then, just hang about.

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Answering machine message 235
Sorry that we're not at home.
Please leave a message after the tone.
When we get in,
We'll give you a ring.
Until then, wait by the phone.

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Answering machine message 236
Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.



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Answering machine message 237
(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)


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Answering machine message 238
Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

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Answering machine message 239
Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.


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Answering machine message 240
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.



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Answering machine message 241
Bridge, Kirk here.

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Answering machine message 242
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

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Answering machine message 243
(Star Trek theme in the background:)

(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.

(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.

(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

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Answering machine message 244
Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.


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Answering machine message 245
(Bad imitations:)

Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant?

Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms.

Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data?

Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

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Answering machine message 246
(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later.

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Answering machine message 247
Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.


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Answering machine message 248
(Chekov's voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...

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Answering machine message 249
Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

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Answering machine message 250
(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Answering machine message HUMORS 9

Answering machine message 201
Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

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Answering machine message 202
Mom, Dad... Don't you think it would be easier to reach me if I had a cellular phone? So how about an early birthday present?

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Answering machine message 203
Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really DID reach 555-1234. But that didn't help much, did it? You still have to talk to a machine.

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Answering machine message 204
Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome!

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Answering machine message 205
Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.


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Answering machine message 206
Someone stole our phone. So if you leave a message we'll run over to a neighbor's house and use their phone to call you back.

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Answering machine message 207
Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")


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Answering machine message 208
(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!


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Answering machine message 209
Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

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Answering machine message 210
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

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Answering machine message 211
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

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Answering machine message 212
Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.



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Answering machine message 213
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...



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Answering machine message 214
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

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Answering machine message 215
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
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Answering machine message 216
If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.


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Answering machine message 217
(Strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.


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Answering machine message 218
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

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Answering machine message 219
I am gathering the world's largest collection of responses to an answering machine. If you would like to help, please leave a notarized copy of your name, number, and today's date at the sound of the beep. When I'm famous I'll remember all the little people like you that helped me achieve my greatness. I might even include you in my memoirs.

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Answering machine message 220
You might be calling to give me important information. If so, leave your information at the tone. Or perhaps you just want to have a casual conversation. If so, leave a message and I'll get back to you so we can have the conversation later. Or perhaps you want to know what I'm doing tonight, in which case it's the same thing I do every night. TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

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Answering machine message 221
Hello. Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays.


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Answering machine message 222
So! You've finally called. And I suppose you think I'll just be here. Well you're wrong. I gave up on that yesterday. Seventeen weeks is long enough. Waiting for you; staring at the phone; never going anywhere... Well I've had enough! I decided to get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph Nader. Now it's your turn. Leave a message at the beep and I might just get back to you -- if I survive my new job.


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Answering machine message 223
(Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars could be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, or Michael Jordan, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you!

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Answering machine message 224
(Annoying radio announcer's voice:) Congratulations! You have reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering machine messages in the greater Seattle area! If you don't know who you are dialing, HA! If you DO know who you are dialing, you were probably expecting something like this!


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Answering machine message 225
(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

Answering machine message HUMORS 8

Answering machine message 176
The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)


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Answering machine message 177
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?

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Answering machine message 178
(Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello... (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man... I'm a bit tired at the moment... (Long yawn.) I'm going back to sleep now... Just going to switch the answering machine on...

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Answering machine message 179
Hello? (Pause. Roommate's voice:) C'mon, Matt, we're gonna be late! -- Hold on, there's someone on the phone! Hello? -- C'mon, dude! -- Hello? Aaah, whatever... c0pyr|ghtah!aj0kesc0m BEEP!


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Answering machine message 180
(Loud music, John shouting:) HI, THIS IS JOHN, LET ME TURN DOWN THE MUSIC. (Loud footsteps, music turned down, a door slams.) Hi, this is the answering machine at John's home, he just rushed out the door, so please leave a message at the beep...


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Answering machine message 181
(From a distance:) Hello I'm far very away from the phone at the moment and can't get to it to take your message, but I'll get back to you as soon as I get nearer to the phone!

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Answering machine message 182
Hello you have reached the Smith residence. All of our operators are busy. Your call will be processed in the order it was received. (Annoying music...) Due to a large volume of calls, all of our operators are bu... (Ringing phone.) Hello, we're sorry were not home right now, so please leave your message after the beep.


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Answering machine message 183
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
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Answering machine message 184
All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...

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Answering machine message 185
(Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)


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Answering machine message 186
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

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Answering machine message 187
Hello, we are all currently home, but someone stole our phone... And the recording tape from this answering machine. So you can't reach us until we either find a phone or get a tape. If you had to waste a quarter on this call... Sorry.

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Answering machine message 188
I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.



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Answering machine message 189
This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.


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Answering machine message 190
Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.


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Answering machine message 191
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

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Answering machine message 192
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?


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Answering machine message 193
You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

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Answering machine message 194
This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...


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Answering machine message 195
Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.

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Answering machine message 196
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

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Answering machine message 197
This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

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Answering machine message 198
Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

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Answering machine message 199
OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

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Answering machine message 200
(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

Answering machine message HUMORS 7

Answering machine message 151
(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.


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Answering machine message 152
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

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Answering machine message 153
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

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Answering machine message 154
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?


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Answering machine message 155
Hello! I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?


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Answering machine message 156
Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)

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Answering machine message 157
(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

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Answering machine message 158
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.


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Answering machine message 159
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.


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Answering machine message 160
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

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Answering machine message 161
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Answering machine message 162
Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK)


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Answering machine message 163
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

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Answering machine message 164
My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

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Answering machine message 165
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...


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Answering machine message 166
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.


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Answering machine message 167
When the caller calls your number, as Steven Wright suggested, simply have your message be a busy signal!


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Answering machine message 168
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

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Answering machine message 169
Thank you for calling the Peoria Weather Line. (Insert appropriate weather report for the season here.)

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Answering machine message 170
Please leave a tone after the message.


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Answering machine message 171
Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.

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Answering machine message 172
Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.


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Answering machine message 173
(Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call. (Now, re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.)


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Answering machine message 174
(To annoy a friend record this as his message, and he will have keypad music as messages:) Hello, you have reached Dave. Please enter your four digit PIN at the tone.


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Answering machine message 175
Hello, you have reached 555-1234. Our voice mail system is currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and press the pound sign when finished.

Answering machine message HUMORS 6

Answering machine message 126
Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number and shoe size at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you when and if I return to my senses.

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Answering machine message 127
(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

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Answering machine message 128
(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.


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Answering machine message 129
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

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Answering machine message 130
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.


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Answering machine message 131
I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb.

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Answering machine message 132
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

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Answering machine message 133
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.


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Answering machine message 134
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.


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Answering machine message 135
Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh)

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Answering machine message 136
I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

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Answering machine message 137
Hi, you've reached Meredith's room. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself together.


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Answering machine message 138
Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...


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Answering machine message 139
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...
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Answering machine message 140
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.


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Answering machine message 141
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

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Answering machine message 142
Thank you for calling the Smith residence. Our operators are presently on strike in sympathy with Major League Baseball. Please leave a message.


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Answering machine message 143
Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted.


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Answering machine message 144
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

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Answering machine message 145
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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Answering machine message 146
(To the tune of Sidewalk Surfing by the Beach Boys:) Catch a quake and go seismo surfing with me... (Music fades.) Yo, Dudes and Dudettes! Grab your skateboard and head for the nearest epicenter, because *QUAKE'S UP*! As for me, I'm from New Jersey, so I'm gonna hide under the biggest doggone piece of furniture I can find. Leave your message at the tone, and I'll get back to you as soon as the shaking stops.


=============================

Answering machine message 147
We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.


===========================

Answering machine message 148
Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up, I'll play my messages. Please leave one.


=============================

Answering machine message 149
We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.


=================================

Answering machine message 150
(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...

Answering machine message HUMORS 5

Answering machine message 101
Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight?

Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over

the world! (Sing:)

They're David and the Rob,

Yes, David and the Rob,

One is a drummer, the other needs a job.

They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow,

Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.

======================================

Answering machine message 102
With apologies to Robert Burns:

O ma phone is but an ebon box,

Wha' rings when I'm awa'.

And my tape machine waits,

For your call,

This message for ta play.

So leave ye message at the beep,

Then bide ye well a while,

For I will hear your voice,

ONE DAY,

and call ye wi' a smile.

===================================

Answering machine message 103
"Under the Boardwalk":

Oh, when you call our room,

and all you get is a machine,

and then you get so upset,

you feel as if you want to scream.

Please leave a message

after the be-ep.

And John or Tom will get back you,

as soon as they can.

================================

Answering machine message 104
"Muppet Show" theme:

It's time to leave a message

After you hear the tone,

It's time to leave a message

'Cause we're not at home tonight...

It's time to leave a message

On Kate and Shannon's phone,

It's time to leave a message

'Cause we're not at home tonight.

Just leave your name and number,

Such simple things to do,

And then when we get home we will

Get right back to you.

It's time to leave a message

After you hear the tone.

It's time to leave a message

'Cause we're not at home tonight.

Gone to get a bite,

Stayin' out all night,

Yes we have a life!

Leave a message, we're not home toniiiiight..

================================

Answering machine message 105
"Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background: You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

============================

Answering machine message 106
Hitchhikers Guide theme: The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to-person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. So they added the "answering machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound like they have partaken a large supply of helium. Unless your message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at all. It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant technology, so please attempt to leave a message.

============================

Answering machine message 107
I once had a little white phone,

That would ring when it was alone.

Then I got a tape,

For when I escape,

So please leave your name at the tone.

====================================

Answering machine message 108
Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP


================================

Answering machine message 109
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

==========================

Answering machine message 110
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...

Matt: Steve, what are you doing?

Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.

Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.

Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.

Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.

Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)

Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
====================================

Answering machine message 111
1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.

2: (Background:) What are you doing?

1: I'm recording an answering machine message.

2: But we're here right now.

1: But we might not be here later.

2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.

===============================

Answering machine message 112
1: Hey, would you get the phone?

2: I got the phone last time. You get the phone!

1: Well, I'm on the computer right now, so will you get it?

2: I'm in the bathroom, and besides, you're closer anyway!

1: Nicole, you always pull this garbage when it's your turn to get it!

2: Well, just let the answering machine get it then!

===============================

Answering machine message 113
Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":

We're not here now,
We're not here now,
Don't hang up,
Don't hang up,
Leave your name and number,
Leave your name and number,
We'll call back,
We'll call back.

=============================

Answering machine message 114
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.

================================

Answering machine message 115
(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.

=================================

Answering machine message 116
Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of shirts. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

=======================

Answering machine message 117
John: Brad, will you get the phone?

Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega!

John: Ambar, will you get the phone?

Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.)

John: Aimee, will you get the phone?

Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower!

John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Please leave a message.


============================

Answering machine message 118
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.

===============================

Answering machine message 119
Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.

==============================

Answering machine message 120
I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don't have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll get right back to you.


===================================

Answering machine message 121
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.


===================================

Answering machine message 122
(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I'm down here in the thing you're holding in your hand. I can't get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires. Wait, what's that in the dark? OH NO, not a... a... a... Oh no, it IS! (Crunching noise.)


===========================

Answering machine message 123
(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message.


=============================

Answering machine message 124
(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!

===========================

Answering machine message 125
Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!)

Answering machine message HUMORS 4

Answering machine message 76
French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

============================

Answering machine message 77
Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad (an actual railroad in Oregon). There is an emergency condition right now due to the landslide. Therefore please be advised of the following. (Another 30 seconds of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing train.)


===============================

Answering machine message 78
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.


==================================

Answering machine message 79
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

===============================

Answering machine message 80
Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

==============================

Answering machine message 81
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

===============================

Answering machine message 82
Hello, you're caller number nine!

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.


===========================

Answering machine message 83
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

==========================

Answering machine message 84
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.


==========================

Answering machine message 85
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

=============================

Answering machine message 86
Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're going about it all wrong, so we certainly can't help you. If you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.


================================

Answering machine message 87
SING IT : Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter": Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

===============================

Answering machine message 88
SING IT : To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":

Leave a message... Leave a message...

==================================

Answering machine message 89
SING IT : Madonna's "Justify My Love"; sultry voice:

Wanting...

Waiting...

For you,

To justify your call...

===================================

Answering machine message 90
SING IT : Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":

You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

================================

Answering machine message 91
(SING IT : Guns & Roses' "Civil War":) What we've got here is... Failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... I don't like it any more than you do.

===============================

Answering machine message 92
SING IT : Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love":

And I would do anything for calls,

I promise I will call you back;

I would do anything for calls,

But I can't talk right now and that's a fact.

I'm not home right now, so I just can't answer the phone,

No way,

But I would do anything for calls,

Oh, I would do anything for calls!

Just let me know who it was who called,

And I'll call you back!

Yes, I'll call you back!

Just leave a message at the tone,

I'll hear it when I get back home,

And I will call -- you -- back!

==================================

Answering machine message 93
SING IT : Cheers TV show theme song, "Where Everybody Knows your Name":

Sometimes you make a call,

Where you gotta leave your name,

'Cuz I can't come to the phone,

You gotta leave a message here,

right after the tone.

You made a call,

Where you gotta leave your name.

================================

Answering machine message 94
SING IT : U2's "With or Without You":

No one's here to answer the phone,

Leave a message at the tone,

And we'll get back to you.

We'll get back to you!

===============================

Answering machine message 95
SING IT : Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":

Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,

No one's here, no one's home,

Leave a message, at the tone.

Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss,

Leave a message, you can reach us.

===================================

Answering machine message 96
SING IT : "The Check is in the Mail" by Weird Al Yankovich:

Well hey how you doin'? Have a seat have a drink,

Boy it's good to see you what can I say,

Oh sorry got to run we'll get together again,

Say what was your name anyway?

Well we're working on the problem --

We'll get back to you soon,

Don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon for a year, maybe longer, keep in touch, thanks for dropping by and have a nice day.


==================================

Answering machine message 97
SING IT : "Camptown Races":

I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.

Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.

Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...

So leave a message when you hear the tone.

I'll call you back someday...

===============================

Answering machine message 98
SING IT : "Winter Wonderland":

Hear the ring, inside our home.

Once again, can't get the phone.

So please be polite,

You know that it's right,

And leave a message when you hear the tone.

---------------------------------===

Answering machine message 99
SING IT : Beethoven's Fifth:

Nobody's home.

Why did you phone?

Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,

And we will call you back as soon as we get home.

Your message here,

After the tone,

Here is the tone... tone... BEEP

================================

Answering machine message 100
SING IT : "If I Only Had A Brain":

I might be in the shower,

I might be gone for hours,

I can't come to the phone.

So, please leave your name and number,

If I miss you it'd be a bummer,

Leave your message at the tone...

Answering machine message HUMORS 3

Answering machine message 51
Annoying flute music in background: Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

=================================

Answering machine message 52
"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message."


=================================

Answering machine message 53
This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.


=================================

Answering machine message 54
Imitating Mr. Rogers: Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.


====================================

Answering machine message 55
English accent: Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

=================================

Answering machine message 56
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

==============================

Answering machine message 57
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.


==============================

Answering machine message 58
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

=========================

Answering machine message 59
Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where you'll be, and I'll be there.

===========================

Answering machine message 60
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious"

===========================

Answering machine message 61
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

==============================

Answering machine message 62
Gregorian chants in background; serene voice: Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
=====================================

Answering machine message 63
Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.


=======================================

Answering machine message 64
To scare off annoying liberals: Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

==============================

Answering machine message 65
You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

===============================

Answering machine message 66
Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.


=================================

Answering machine message 67
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.


==================================

Answering machine message 68
You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it...

==================================

Answering machine message 69
Hi! This is Mary. I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination. Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to getting it straight.

=================================

Answering machine message 70
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

==================================

Answering machine message 71
Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.


====================================

Answering machine message 72
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

====================================

Answering machine message 73
Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.

=====================================

Answering machine message 74
Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.

=======================================

Answering machine message 75
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

Answering machine message HUMORS 2

Answering machine message 26
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...

================================

Answering machine message 27
Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra": Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

============================

Answering machine message 28
Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".


===============================

Answering machine message 29
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

===================================

Answering machine message 30
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

=======================================

Answering machine message 31
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.


=====================================

Answering machine message 32
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

===============================

Answering machine message 33
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.


===========================

Answering machine message 34
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...

=======================

Answering machine message 35
After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

===============================

Answering machine message 36
Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... Middle, normal: ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... Later, high pitch, fast: ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

============================

Answering machine message 37
This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.


=======================

Answering machine message 38
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

===========================

Answering machine message 39
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

==========================

Answering machine message 40
Richard Nixon voice: Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.

===========================

Answering machine message 41
US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

=============================

Answering machine message 42
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

===========================

Answering machine message 43
Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.


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Answering machine message 44
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.
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Answering machine message 45
You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.

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Answering machine message 46
Theme music from James Bond: Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!


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Answering machine message 47
Clint Eastwood voice: Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.


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Answering machine message 48
To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making Montreal a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.)

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Answering machine message 49
In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.



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Answering machine message 50
Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks that he/she accidentally dialed long distance.

Answering machine message HUMORS 1

Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

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Answering machine message 02
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!

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Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
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Answering machine message 04
Owner is a hard-to-reach person: Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.
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Answering machine message 05
Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

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Answering machine message 06
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

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Answering machine message 07
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...


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Answering machine message 08
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!


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Answering machine message 09
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

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Answering machine message 10
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

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Answering machine message 11
Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP


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Answering machine message 12
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?


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Answering machine message 13
Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

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Answering machine message 14
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

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Answering machine message 15
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Answering machine message 16
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
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Answering machine message 17
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.


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Answering machine message 18
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.

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Answering machine message 19
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.

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Answering machine message 20
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.


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Answering machine message 21
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.


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Answering machine message 22
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.

Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

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Answering machine message 23
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.


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Answering machine message 24
Computer generated voices:

1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!

1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...

2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!

1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!


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Answering machine message 25
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.

2: Nobody expects an answering machine.

1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.

2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.

1: Oops! And your message message.

2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.

1: And time you called.

2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.

1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.